Triple Filter Test

An email I got recently:

In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem. One day one fellow met the great philosopher and said, "Do you know what I just heard about your friend?". "Hold on a minute," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?" "That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say. That's why I call it the triple filter test.

"The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" "No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and...". "All right," said Socrates. "So you don't know if it's true or not.

"Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?" "No, on the contrary..." "So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true.

"You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?" "No, not really." "Well,"concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?" This is why Socrates is considered a great philosopher even today and held in such high esteem.

A week of sheer pleasure in the mountains

I had gone on a trek to the Himalayan mountain ranges last month, and the experience was something that left a lasting impression on me. Serenity, beauty and simplicity all competed for a spot among the top reasons why this is quite easily the best ever trip in my life so far. Now, if only I could make somebody pay me for living in such a lovely place for the rest of my life! Sigh!!

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Life - what exactly is it?

We're born, we go to school, then pursue "higher education" at some college / university, start our professional careers, get married, produce kids, and then die. Of course, some of the luckier ones among us have a lot of fun in all this. My question is, is this what life's all about? I can quite understand that as humans, we need to eat, sleep and, pardon me, pee - these are inevitable things indeed.

Beyond these things, however, do we question our actions? Why do we go to school? Because our parents sent us there, and we didn't really have a choice. Why do we go to college? Because we start feeling vaguely uneasy that if we don't, then we'd perhaps not get "ahead" in life, or maybe because we feel that it'd be fun to spend some time there; more common, I've noticed, is the inner voice that tells us that a good degree ensures a good job - after all, an engineering degree is usually a gateway (in India, at any rate) to pursuing higher education abroad; and that higher education is a means of gaining a higher salary. A genuine desire to learn for the sake of acquiring knowledge is probably the least common of the reasons why we study.

The reason for holding down a job are pretty obvious, so I doubt if I should discuss it at all.

Marriage - this is possibly the most discussed topic among people who have crossed a certain age (ask, and I shall tell you!). It's also the most often quoted ingredient of the act of "settling down" in life; in fact, in some communities, settling down and marrying are almost synonymous. Please indulge me as I make the (admittedly stupid) assumption that the reasons given by a very small sample of the human population (of roughly a dozen or so friends and strangers) to be representative of the entire human race. Here are the top reasons why people marry:

1. Everybody marries! ("...so why shouldn't I?")
2. What else will you do in life later on? ("come on, there isn't much fun in life without a marriage!")
3. One has to settle down in life, you know (whatever that means!)
4. We need companionship in our later years (hmmm, seems to make some sense)
5. I love him / her, and want to spend the rest of my life with him (this makes sense too)
6. I love to have kids! (really? Why don't you adopt some orphans then?)
7. Mmm, er, it's a legally sanctioned way to, you know, make out, you know what I mean? No? (looks of embarrassment) Well, you know, you can make love with a member of the other sex all your life (that's pretty direct!)
8. I want to let the human race survive (ah, behold the great philanthropist at work; he's perhaps the one that smokes so that employees of tobacco companies don't go starving)
9. Peer pressure (I dig this!)
10. It's the done thing (oh yeah?)
11. My parents want me to marry, and I don't want to disappoint them (duh?)
12. I don't have the courage to face life without a life partner (this person is at least honest)

I'll let you form your own conclusions from the above. However, you'll notice that a lot of people don't really seem to have honest answers, and usually pass off other people's views as their own, or maybe they've hypnotised themselves into believing those views.

The last act of any human being is that of dying - and this is something over which we don't have any control - at least, not unless you're a highly evolved yogi - so it's pointless discussing this either.

In summary, I think we go through life mostly in deference to opinions that are not necessarily our own. To be fair, there are many situations over which we have no control, so that ought to somehow mitigate the charge of our actions being mindless, but all things considered, I can't help feeling that we are mindless automatons, most often programmed by society, and somewhat less often by ourselves.

Mind over matter

I am often amazed at what the human body can achieve when it's backed by human will. We can do much more than we think we can, and I daresay we'd be much happier individuals if we listen to our minds than if we listen to the complaints of our bodies. But again, that's a topic for another discussion :-)

On a bright Sunday evening, my neighbour's son, who's a very accomplished amateur trekker, and yours truly decided to venture out on a not-so-often-travelled trekking path; a path, to be sure, that many trek rookies are hardly aware of; something to avoid if yours is not the iron will ;-) To wit, we chose to cross the hills that stretched out from Katraj to Sinhagad. We reached the Katraj ghat section at precisely 5:30 and started out. We were armed with a few litres of water, two half-litre bottles of mango juice, some jam sandwiches, a mini-towel each, and, speaking strictly of my companion, tremendous trekking experience. Within half an hour, we had reached the first of many hills that we had to cross, and had soon crossed it. Within that time however, I, who had not been acquainted with physical activity that even moderately stressed the body, for a period of well over two months, began to be assailed by doubts about my ability to complete this seemingly impossible trek. My co-trekker, however, refused to let me give up, giving me every possible encouragement. I succumbed to the power of his speech, and chose to continue on till either the journey was complete, or I fell down exhausted.

He (my co-trekker and guide) had promised me that as the evening wore on and night fell, the trek would be more enjoyable, especially since we had chosen a full moon day. I found that he was absolutely right. Soon, under the hypnotic spell of the full moon, my negative energies left me, and I was filled with nothing but a desire to see this trek through.

As the evening wore on, we made good progress, though I couldn't really keep up with his scorching pace and stumbled here and then, not as sure of my footing as he was. But I'm proud to say this - I didn't slow him down significantly, and found reserves of energy within me whose existence I never even suspected. As we stopped for dinner, we gazed at a fantastic moon-rise - the most spectacular one that I've ever seen - and mused on the beauty of Mother Nature.

Eventually, four and half hours after we'd started, we reached our destination, the top of Sinhagad. Since it had become quite dark by then, we couldn't hitch a ride, and had to walk down the road, all the way to the base village. Once there, we managed to persuade some strangers into giving us a ride till the edge of Pune city, had dinner at a "Chinese" eat-out which was just closing down, managed to flag down an auto-rickshaw to take us to our homes, and then made our way to our respective apartments for a night of rest, each filled with a sense of achievement.

We plan to do this again during / just after the monsoons too, if everything goes well.

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Stupid is as stupid does; or, Objective is subjective - I

What exactly is stupidity? Is it the tendency to act in a way that betrays a lack of good sense / judgment? But if that's the case, then isn't it all entirely subjective? After all, the person whom we think is acting stupidly is doing whatever he is doing because, to him, his judgment is pretty sound, just as we think our judgment is sound.

Expanding on this theme, is there anything that we could talk about in absolute terms? Even God? I'm afraid there isn't, because for each thing we think is absolute, there's a likelihood that to somebody else, it's not so; it's also likely that to that person, there's something else that's an absolute. At the risk of oversimplifying it, I'd like to state that reality, truly, is purely subjective; objective reality just does not exist. We create the reality we live in, otherwise why would Osama bin Laden have supporters? Sometimes, though, we choose to alter our view of reality (or are made to shift our viewpoint), and thereby experience "paradigm shifts".

The dynamics of human relationships

It's strange how easily I get put off by the behaviour of some people, especially when I'm quite tolerant of the same or similar behaviour by some other people. Guess I am not as impartial as I want to be. Maybe you'd think of it as sick. Take your pick, it doesn't affect me as much as you think it would, or perhaps should! ;-)

For example, I have some friends who call / mail me rarely. Let's categorise these, for the sake of convenience, under "A". I also have my share of friends who keep in touch quite regularly. Let's categorise these, for the sake of convenience again, under "B". Now, I'm not generally annoyed with my "A" friends as long as they don't tell me things like "hey, why don't you call me often?"; once they say that, I get really upset because I am the kind of guy who usually reciprocates people's love many times over, and I feel hurt that they're trying to place the responsibility for non-contact / rare contact entirely on my shoulders. Come on, it's not like I stopped you from mailing / calling me!

Anyway, I digress. The thing is, much as I'm not irritated by the category A friends, I get put off that much more easily by the category B friends if they stop calling / mailing me with no explanation whatsoever. I've had such category B friends who haven't a. returned calls, b. replied to mail, but who complain loudly when I fail to do the same occasionally. Man, I get really pissed off when they do that. But being a person who usually avoids confrontations (unless pushed to the extreme), I laugh it off or let it pass without comment. But until such absences are properly explained, I usually go crazy (when I think about those instances) trying to figure out why they did that to me: it's like a splinter in my mind which will leave me peaceful only when it's gone.

Now, the really interesting thing is, even among the category B friends, I have a few whose unannounced absences don't bother me much. I haven't been able to figure out why that's so, short of coming to the rather unpleasant conclusion that I'm biased towards some :-( To paraphrase George Orwell, "All friends will be treated equally, but some will be treated more equally than others" !!

Just to make a few things clear: I'm not the categorising kind of person all the time, but I do like to sort things out once in a while, if only to know where I stand. I don't believe that the measure of a friend's love for you is the number of emails / calls you receive from him / her, but I do feel like I should constantly stay in touch with my friends because they mean so much to me.

Have you felt this way towards your friends? Do you treat all your friends the same way? Or is this madness peculiar to me?

I'm sorry grandpa

Dear Grandpa,

I was looking at some family photos today, and happened to come across some of yours. That's how I remembered you after all these years. The photos were taken on the occasion of your 70th birthday. You seem to be very much in control of yourself in these pics, so I guess it must have been before the world lost a sane you. Perhaps for the first time since you passed away, I miss you.

I miss those pleasant summer nights when you'd tell us - your grandchildren seated around you - stories from Indian mythology, folktales, or just about anything that you thought would capture our interest. I want to tell you that your storytelling usually had us in rapt attention. Of course, being the attentive man you always were, you'd have noticed this right then. Years later, I can still remember how thrilled I used to feel listening to them.

I miss your presence among us; you, the person who was instrumental in making sure that we (my brother and I) continued our education in a CBSE school. I never knew the difference between school boards at that time, except for the vague feeling of superiority over the "lowly" state boards and their ridiculous syllabus. You never made my parents feel the pinch of giving us an expensive, but an ultimately rewarding education (at least in terms of what they call "worldly" success).

I miss my affectionate grandpa - the one who never used to think twice about visiting us from as great a distance as 10km (in those days when public transport was not any better than today (in Madras), and when travelling by autorickshaws was not really an option for us middle-class people, any place that was not covered by PTC was indeed a great distance away) just so that he could spend some time with his daughter and her children, and thrill the kids with a few surprise gifts. I remember one instance when I didn't even bother to invite you inside our house when you'd travelled in spite of the mercilessly hot weather just to see us - I was too busy playing with the neighbours' kids. I wish my mother had given me a good beating then - not only would I not be feeling so guilty about it now, I might have also learnt a valuable lesson then on how to treat people who are important to us. I am sorry grandpa.

I'm sorry too, that I didn't take as much time as I should have taken to pay my last respects to you - I was too busy helping a friend do her website! Can you imagine that? I was dumb, really, horribly dumb! Every time I think of it, I feel like an absolutely heartless cretin. You were one of the many caring people who are responsible for where I am today, and I couldn't even spare time to pay my last dues to you - it's just too sick for words!

I wish I had made a better effort to understand your state of mind when everyone started to think that you'd lost it. I didn't think so, but that's only because I didn't know what it was that afflicted you, and that was because I was confused by the different theories put forward - you were upset because your business associate of many years cheated you out of a huge amount of money; you were the victim of some voodoo magic; I was simply unable to come to any conclusions. I am not sure if anyone in our family really knows what happened to you in your last years, because nobody seemed to have thought of taking you to a neurologist or whoever the doc is who scans people's brains to check for problems.

Whatever it was, I know it was painful to you and your wife, my grandma. Perhaps you were unaware of how much trouble you caused her, but I have to tell you this - she was devoted to you unto your last. Though she complained about having to take care of your smallest needs (because she herself was ailing physically), she never shirked the work. I wish now, when it's too late, that I had done more to ease your pain. I wish I'd been a source of some comfort to grandma, and I know you'd have approved of it.

Thank you for having been there for me when I needed it, even when I was not intelligent enough to understand the need myself. Thank you for having spent time with us when you could have done numerous other meaningful tasks, or even lost yourself in one of your favourite pastimes - listening to Carnatic music. (In fact, I owe my many hours of great pleasure in listening to this genre of music (to me, the only music now is classical) to you directly or indirectly (through your daughter)). Thank you for having been who you were - a loving and caring grandpa - even if I acted like an ingrate. I hope you will forgive me, not because my remorse is sincere if late by many years, but because you're my grandpa.

Yours with love.

Two sides of a coin

You may have noticed that many things in life have the proverbial "other side" to them. E.g., the Amazon rain forests have a positive effect on the Earth (they give back life-sustaining Oxygen, inhaling the greenhouse gas Carbondioxide, thus regulating its temperature too), but chopping them down for money assures livelihood for a lot of people; America invades Iraq for, allegedly, oil interests, but then a dictatorial government is only one step away from a Hitler-ian situation; one should have tolerance towards other people's mistakes, but the saying goes "the only thing that's required for evil to spread on earth is that good men do nothing"; "it doesn't matter whether you actually were able to do something good, it's the intention that counts" vs. "Actions speak louder than words" or even "Hands that serve are holier than lips that pray". The list is endless, and this post would quickly become too lengthy if I were to go on and on.

The point is, we live in a world of duality, and almost everything can be argued to have a negative side to it. What are we to do? How do we reconcile the unmistakable evil that we see around us with a good and compassionate God? Is all this duality, like the Vedas say, only an illusion? I'd like to know, with certainty!

Say "Bye bye, world!" with a difference

"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention to arrive safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming: Wow!! What a ride!" Now, how's that for a great quote. I found while reading through http://www.wired.com/wired/archive/15.01/ultraman.html. Though the article seems to be somewhat humorous in its tenor, I found this line spot on when it comes to the attitude one might adopt to lift oneself out of stupor and / or ennui.

Good friends are like rare gems

I've heard it said that good friends are like good wine - both get better as they grow older. Not that this friend that I have in mind is old or anything, but you get the point, don't you?

I think the first time we saw each other - more than six years ago - was when another friend of mine brought her to my office. I remember the bright face, the intelligent eyes, and a big, warm smile. It was not exactly a meeting, because after smiling and flinging a "Hi" at each other, we went our ways. But within a short period of time, we caught on really well, and very soon were chatting away for hours on the phone or the Net. It was an exciting time for me, because I was quite dumb, without any worldly experience to speak of, and she had already switched jobs twice (or more, I'm not sure), and so I could learn quite a few things from her. I was always in awe of the fact that she celebrated life like no one else I knew then did. She wasn't afraid of many things, and you could trust her to speak her mind, damn the consequences; I admired that. At the same time, she knew when to hold herself back too. I remember one glorious Music Season at Madras when she, myself and another friend had a whale of a time listening to Indian Classical Music.

Her marriage was a happy occasion, with tons of friends and relatives. She met married life in the same way that she did anything: with gusto! Her husband turned out to be a terrific match, with a love of good life that equalled hers. I've watched with quiet happiness as they more or less waltzed through their years of marriage, now with a trip to Africa, and then a trip to Australia (her husband is the classic "Travelling Salesman").

The first time I visited their home in Bombay was three years after I moved to Pune. But I enjoyed the trip thoroughly as it gave me a good opportunity to get to know her husband better. We went shopping, and had a lovely multi-cuisine dinner where I, as usual, almost made a fool of myself ordering an extra cup of ghee. Her husband saved me from the embarrassing situation I would have been in by cancelling it quickly! And the second time I visited them (this time on my bike), I made a mistake while coming back, which has now led to her calling me her "backtracker friend"! :-)

She may not be perfect, and may have faults that are all her own. But she's dear to me, because she's one of my best friends.

P.S.: Today is not the world friendship day or anything. In fact, I hate such "special" days. I celebrate friendship whenever I feel like it.

That thing you do

I was recently thinking about why people do the things they do, and it occurred to me that the reasons are not too many. I could think of the following as possible causes for people to act at all:

1. The thought that what they do will give them happiness
2. The thought that what they do will give somebody else happiness (this is actually not entirely true, and I'll come back to it in a moment)
3. The thought that what they do will give others pain. Sadists you may identify with this ;-) Actually, this also points back to 1 above, because the deeper motive for causing hurt to others is a (wrong) notion that that will give them happiness.

The more I think about it, the more I'm convinced that there can be no more significant reasons than our own happiness that impels us to act in this world; reasons 2 and 3 mentioned above are really only special instances of reason 1.

Indian Weddings

"Traditional" Indian (Hindu) weddings are such a waste of time, effort and money. The parents of the bride and the groom go to great lengths to make sure that the event is grand (a substantial part of their savings goes into it) and yet, comments about how some things weren't simply up to the mark are inevitable. I'm sure most people know this, but they are so incredibly stuck to their traditions that they wouldn't dare do anything simpler.

I couldn't help observing at my cousin's wedding recently that people speak expected lines like "the food was great" (positive comment shared with others); and "the event was good, but the girl's father didn't even receive me" (negative comment shared with other gossipers) - as if it was a breach of conduct on the part of the girl's father if he didn't personally receive the thousand-odd people who pour in. In a huge gathering like this, it's virtually impossible to satisfy everybody, and yet, people insist on doing it.

A friend of mine was planning to get his marriage performed in the Arya Samaj style - where the priest / priestess chants mantras and explains their meanings to the assembled audience (after politely requesting them to remain silent when the ceremony starts). His bride-to-be was enthusiastic about the idea as well, but the parents of both put up a strong objection and said, with extreme contempt, "People of our caste don't do such things," as if simplicity was a sin, and any suggestion about spending less money was blasphemy. It is ironical that Arya Samaj weddings, which are generally known for their adherence to Vedic rites, are considered taboo among the Brahmin community.

Will we ever stop being hypocrites and blind followers of half-baked traditions?

Ayn Rand and her philosophy - a different perspective

Ayn Rand came into my life - through her writings - about five years ago. I've read two of her most influential books - Fountainhead and Atlast Shrugged more than once, and each time I've been left gasping at the tremendous concepts that she has brought almost single-handedly into this world. I've also started reading her essays on The Virtue of Selfishness. Somewhere along the line though, my love for her ideas started becoming less blind, as I began to recognise, through my own experiences and reflections, as well as articles like this, that her philosophy was not flawless; that there were certain realities that Objectivism did not, and still does not, explain satisfactorily.

Imagine my surprise a couple of years ago when I came to know that there was a guy called Nathaniel Branden; that he was a close personal and intellectual associate of Rand; that he was a clinical psychologist; that after many years of association with her, he broke up with her; and it came to be disclosed that they were having an affair all the while!

Branden, the young man who idolised Rand from a very young age, had a fall-out with her that was as painful as his association was rewarding. One of the consequences of their split was that Branden started looking at Rand and her work in a less forgiving, and more critical, light. More importantly, he began to understand, given his background in psychology, how some aspects of Rand's philosophy could do more harm than good. Briefly, these are the things that he objected to:

• Encouraging repression ("A clash between mind and emotions is a clash between two assessments, one of which is conscious, the other might not be. It is not invariably the case that the conscious assessment is superior to the subconscious one; that needs to be checked out.")
• Encouraging moralizing ("I don't know of anyone other than the Church fathers in the Dark Ages who used the word "evil" quite so often as Ayn Rand.")
• Conflating sacrifice and benevolence ("I am referring to the principle of benevolence, mutual helpfulness and mutual aid between human beings. I believe it is a virtue to support life. I believe it is a virtue to assist those who are struggling for life. I believe it is a virtue to seek to alleviate suffering. None of this entails the notion of self-sacrifice.")
• Overemphasizing the role of philosophical premises ("Among the many unfortunate consequences of believing that we are the product only of our premises and that our premises are chiefly the product of the thinking we have done or failed to do is a powerful inclination, on the one hand, to regard as immoral anyone who arrives at conclusions different from our own, and, on the other hand, an inclination to believe that people who voice the same beliefs as we do are people with whom we naturally have a lot in common.")

The complete article offers a detailed insight from a man who's still an Objectivist at heart, though an enlightened one, and without many of the shortcomings that Rand had, but never admitted. An interesting read for anyone, I think.

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Nathaniel Branden interview - snippet

The following is an excerpt from an interview with Nathaniel Branden, long-time associate of Ayn Rand, the original Objectivist.

Personal Reflections

Q: What's the biggest lesson you've learned so far in life?

Branden: I'd like to say, first of all, I hate being confined to the single most important thing. Can I mention two?

Q: Okay, what are the two most important things you've learned?

Branden: Let yourself know and fully experience how important love is and honor that importance in your actions. Don't ever be careless with love. Be aware of the preciousness of each moment of your existence. Be aware that none of us is immortal -- the clock is always ticking and none of us knows how long any of us has got. The time to let that other person experience how loved and valued he or she is by us, is right now. It's one thing to love -- and quite another to have the wisdom and courage to live that love fully, unreservedly, and to the hilt. Fully to surrender to love can be terrifying, but it's the price life asks of us in exchange for the possibility of ecstasy.

Q: And your second message to the world?

Branden: Don't deny or disown what you see or experience merely because you can't explain it, justify it, or fit it into some familiar frame-of-reference. Allow a large space in your psyche to accommodate ambiguity and uncertainty. Don't invent explanations prematurely just so you can tell yourself you have the universe all tied up in one neat package. Keep your eyes open, keep observing, and be confident that sooner or later the truth will appear to you, providing, of course, you live long enough. And if you don't, well, hasn't it been an interesting adventure anyway?

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L.I.F.E.

I felt, for the first time, that I knew what Ayn Rand might have meant when she said something like, "Man must make a choice between life and death every moment of his life." I was sitting at home, eating my lunch when I felt, not for the first time, that I couldn't quite justify my existence; that my daily routine was simply a trick to avoid facing the fact that I had no clue as to what I was supposed to be doing with the rest of my life; that I was merely leading the life of an aimless automaton.

Am I to feel happy about that new program that I saw on the Net the other day? Am I to jump up and down, excited about a white-water rafting trip that I've been contemplating for some time now, and the invitation for which landed in my mailbox today? Am I to feel thrilled about my planned participation in a tennis state-level tournament in January with my neighbour? Or am I to shut the hell up and "just live", as many well-wishers have asked me to?

I don't know. And by not knowing, my torpid state continues unchallenged.

Sick of "on-site"

These days, it seems that all a colleague can ask you in the course of a discussion about one's job is, "Any on-site chances?" Now, that makes me not only sick but angry as hell! I mean, come on guys, success in a career is not dependent upon the number of times you travel outside your country.

Just for the record, I really like travelling and would love to see new places, people, etc., but that doesn't mean that I am dying to go on-site if the work there is not something I'd enjoy doing. And I won't certainly threaten to quit if I'm not sent on-site; I've got a little bit of professionalism left!

We all join companies with the basic premise that there's going to be something interesting for us to do. Apparently, that's not so for certain people: for them, "it's all money, honey!" One of the main reasons they want to go abroad is the opportunity to add significantly - by way of foreign currency - to their monthly earnings. Yuck! It stinks, and sickens me. I even wonder at times whether I am dirtying myself by being in the same industry as these self-cheapened people. Maybe I should move on elsewhere...

Exhilaration!

The wind whistles by; the constant rain hammers against your helmet; your bike purrs steadily, and the miles pass by quickly; the bike handles solid; the mountain roads you traverse are green, picturesque; it's sheer exhilaration. There is nothing, absolutely nothing, that you would trade this experience for. Some of the motorists that you pass by look at you; admiration is recorded on some of their faces as they see the gleaming beauty that's your bike. You notice it with quiet pride; you now know for sure that performance is not the only thing that attracted you to this bike in the first place - the looks took you in too.

Shattering beliefs

No, I don't mean any beliefs of mine that could shatter you. I mean "shattering" as a gerund (go look it up if you don't know what a gerund is). You know something about some people you know that you want to tell them (they're close to you), but telling them would prove disastrous to them, especially if they accept it. Or, you know that their deepest beliefs are based on an edifice of irrationality - which they're unable to see for themselves - and you are loath to destroying their feeling of safety and comfort in those beliefs. What do you do at such times?

Am I asocial, or just a freak?

I'm trying to figure out if I am losing it. I am unable to have a casual conversation even with acquaintances, leave alone strangers. I dread going to parties because I am tongue-tied. It doesn't help that I don't drink or smoke, and so can't "loosen" up. When people make small talk in parties, I just can't seem to understand what the point is. And when people tell me there isn't any, that just adds to the confusion. Even when I'm with real close friends, I find myself tongue-tied, and it's only with certain people that I seem to be able to talk at all. The saving grace is that I am a patient listener; though I don't contribute much to conversations, I let the talkers feel that they have a captive audience.

On the other hand, I "converse" rather well with people when I am on-line, i.e., when I am logged on to one of the instant messengers - Yahoo, MSN, Google Talk. In fact, I am much more communicative through e-mail. So much so that one of my friends once remarked that it'd be much better if I just remain an e-mail friend.

What's wrong with me? Am I asocial, anti-social, or just plain weird? Because shyness doesn't seem to make the cut. Or maybe these symptoms mean nothing at all?

Detach

I was beginning to get very concerned at the rate at which money was leaving my hands. I started thinking twice about every small expenditure, and it became a burden to my nervous system to just be in possession of cash. Mind you, am not in dire financial straits, but this feeling of impecuniousness insisted on its right to dominate my thoughts. Then, in a sudden burst of clarity, I realised that I had every right to spend the money I earned; that the sole purpose of money that was earned was to be spent for whatever purpose I deemed fit; that no matter what I did, money would continue to leave my hands, and that's not wrong; that I am the master of my money, and not the other way round.

When I think about it now, I go, "aaaarrgh, what exactly were you thinking in those moments of needless anxiety, you fool?" After all, I am drawing a not-so-ugly figure - or an ugly figure, depending on whose side you are ;-) - as my monthly emolument, and I have every right to spend it because it's money earned honestly. Well, at least, as honestly as my laziness would permit ;-) Sometimes, I do tend to be ridiculously silly due to the sudden onset of such psychological conditions that can only be properly attributed to paranoia. Whackiness, if you will...